Advice for the Lovelorn

By Anna Helmuth

Dear Anna,

Because of the pandemic, I am having a hard time finding a girlfriend. Nobody wants to go to gatherings or singeons, and when we go to church, girls can’t tell when I’m interested because they can’t see my expression behind my mask. Four girls have turned down my invitation to drive them home because it’s impossible to social distance in a buggy. What can I do?

Sincerely, Lonely in Leola

Dear Lonely in Leola,

Oh, dear. This whole coronavirus thing has certainly made it hard for love to bloom, and even harder to do a little kissing behind the barn. I can’t understand what those fancy doctors in Washington are thinking. How do they expect young people to produce any fireworks when they have to kiss through a mask?

I would suggest three things that will help you find a girlfriend. First, install a plexiglass shield in the front seat of your buggy between you and the passenger side. This will stop all germs from passing to the other side. This is especially gute to do in an open-air buggy, because all that swirling, uncontained air is sure to carry all sorts of germs into your nose.

Second, when you want to kiss someone, have a bottle of hand sanitizer handy. As long as you both sanitize your hands first, you should be safe to kiss each other. Do not put hand sanitizer on your lips. It tastes like a hospital.

Thirdly, find someone at your church who is gute at embroidery. Ask them to embroider a smile on your mask so that girls will know you’re smiling at them even when they can’t see it. I would suggest a nice pair of big, embroidered bright red lips and a mole. You might as well go big or go home—that’s what Lebron James always says, and even though I don’t know who Lebron James is, I once read that quote in a magazine in the doctor’s waiting room.

One thing I do to celebrate COVID every week is make something delicious for Felty to eat. Food brings Felty so much comfort. Here is one of our favorite recipes: Asparagus Casserole. I usually add raisins, but surprisingly, not everyone likes raisins, so leave them out if you must.

Asparagus Casserole

Ingredients:

1 ½ cups cooked asparagus

• To cook the asparagus, bring a medium saucepan of water to a boil, cut asparagus sprigs in half, put them in the boiling water, and boil for 3 to 5 minutes depending on how thick your asparagus is.
• Do not overcook. No one likes mushy asparagus.
• After cooking, immediately rinse in cold water.

¼ cup butter

¼ cup flour

½ teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon pepper

2 ½ cups of milk

1 cup cubed Velveeta cheese

3 hard-boiled eggs, sliced

Directions:

In a medium saucepan, melt butter. Remove from heat and whisk in flour, salt, and pepper.  Return to heat and gradually stir in the milk and bring to a boil until it thickens. (Thickening doesn’t take long. As soon as mine started to boil, it was thick enough.) Reduce heat to medium low and add the Velveeta cheese, stirring until it melts completely. Remove from heat. Add the asparagus and the eggs and mix lightly. Pour into a 9×13 casserole dish. Bake at 350 degrees uncovered for 25 minutes.